Sunday, March 10, 2013

Oriental Techniques in Pain and Pleasure (1983)

Phil Prince is one seriously classy guy. I'm sure you know that already, coz you've all seen the delightful moment in The Taming of Rebecca where a dude beats his meat while his hot daughter pees on his balls. Nothing says pure class quite like a bit of incestuous watersports. Oriental Techniques in Pain and Pleasure, a later effort from the Princester, may not be his best, but by golly it's among his classiest.

Just to illustrate how classy this movie is, I'll be interspersing pics from the film with official photos of the 2011 Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The resemblance is so uncanny that I guarantee you won't be able to tell the difference.


The royal couple

Annie Sprinkle and George Payne

The "plot" revolves around an ancient Chinese manuscript that's somehow important. We're not told why it's important, but some dudes want it for some reason so it must be real important. These guys can't even read Chinese, yet they still want the manuscript. That's how important it is. It's so important that it gets casually mentioned 3, maybe even 4 times throughout the movie.

So, Annie Sprinkle somehow gets a hold of this manuscript and obviously gets raped as a result. What a classy way to open a movie. Annie's a classy lady in general. She was one of Zebedy Colt's faves and that guy has high standards for class. Adding to the classiness is the fact that the lead rapist is George Payne, the classiest guy in history. Payne here plays against type as a deranged misogynistic pervert - quite a stretch for his thespian skills. He even goes down on her during the rape. If only all rapists were that classy. This classy cunnilingus scene also shows us Annie's clit piercing, which she received onscreen during Phil Prince's previous masterclass in class, Kneel Before Me.


The blushing bride, accompanied by a pair of gentlemanly servants

Some porno slut and a couple of rapists

Sadly, the rape doesn't get Annie to reveal anything about the important manuscript that neither she, the rapists nor the viewer know anything about. In such a situation, the rules of etiquette dictate that she be forced to fist her brother, which she does with gusto and class. She even classilly licks his balls during the fisting. That's a fine lesson in class for all viewers - if you ever find yourself elbow-deep in your bro's butthole, it's only polite to tongue the scrotum a little. Manners cost nothing.

The gorgeous one-of-a-kind ring

The gorgeous one-of-a-kind ring

 A 15-inch dildo, on the other hand, will set you back a few bucks, but a little financial outlay is inevitable when your own fist is not a classy enough tool for anal-stretching. I say splash out on the Lexington Steele model. It's worth it. You can't put a price on class, certainly not when it comes to sibling sodomy. Annie agrees with me, quite enthusiastically in fact.

After a little live cock-and-ball torture which has nothing whatsoever to do with anything else that's come beforehand, the movie reaches a satisfying conclusion. By which I mean, it abruptly ends without warning or explanation. That's cool though, because this film isn't about making sense, it's about being classy. Making sense is for philistines and degenerates. You won't find any of those here. Just a solid, if unspectacular, hit of classy perviness.


Random members of the wedding party

Some serious cock-and-ball torture

Thursday, February 21, 2013

24 Hours of Explicit Sex (1985)

Back when I lived in London, I worked with a lot of Brazilian guys and they were all relentless horndogs, constantly trying to bang anything with tits and a pulse. You could have asked any of these dudes what he was thinking about, at any time of the day, and the reply would almost always be either football or pussy or both. Thus, I'm lead to believe that Brazil is one seriously horny country, hence why vaginal waxing is named after it.

A typical Thursday afternoon in Brazil

No surprise then that, during the 1980s, around 70% of the films produced in Brazil were pornos. With Coffin Joe on a hiatus, director Jose Mojica Marins decided to go with the flow, ditch the horror and embrace the fun of zooming in his camera on penises entering vaginas. When in Rome and all that...

 I watched this without subtitles, but the plot is easy enough to follow. A bunch of horny dudes devise a competition to determine which of them is the alpha sex maniac and hole up in a beach house with a bunch of cock-hungry sluts for a day-long orgy. They also bring along a fruity gay Ron Jeremy lookalike to be the judge of their sexual prowess. As with your typical Brazilian orgy, we also get a talking parrot who commentates the sex scenes and a few conversations between a talking penis and a talking vagina. Ya know, the usual. And of course, there's the obligatory scene where a chick rips a massive fart while she's being done from behind. Every porno needs a good fart joke.


Money shots are plentiful and creative, my favourite being when a dude splooges directly onto the camera lens. It's a great moment, almost like the film itself is blessing the whole audience with a good facial. My skin didn't feel any healthier afterwards, but I still appreciate the sentiment.

So far modelled after Euro sexploitation, Jose Mojica Marins decided to push things a step further. His run-ins with the Brazilian censors had previously left several of his movies eviscerated and one movie outright banned. With newly relaxed censorship laws, it was time for revenge. And so it came  to pass that Brazil's cinema audiences finally got to see their first bestiality porn scene, when the vagina of a lady of lax morals met the lipstick prick of a German Shepard named Jack. She had an ass that no male could resist, whether human or canine. He was a suave fellow with a smooth coat, a prideful gait and puppy-dog eyes that would melt the hardest heart. Together, they made history. Frantic, lustful and oh-so-wrong history. Jack's performance was so grand that screenwriter Mario Lima would later declare him "the best actor in the movie". I don't disagree.



The happy couple.

Sadly, this special moment would later be tinged by tragedy. The female performer pocketed a hefty paycheck and no doubt popped over the border to Colombia, purchasing a mountain of uncut cocaine so enormous it would've lasted Keith Moon an entire weekend. Jack, however, died soon after, under suspicious circumstances, at the tender age of 5. Rumours spread that Jack's sudden fame had angered his owner, who poisoned him under the belief that the celebrity canine pornstar was having an affair with his wife. A promising career cut short before it had even begun.


Farewell, sweet prince.

Nevertheless, 24 Hours of Explicit Sex was Marins's biggest ever box-office hit, thus proving my theory that Brazilians are all dirty sexopaths. The groundbreaking bestiality scene opened the floodgates for Brazil's extreme porn scene that flourished in the following decades. The country later produced works like 2 Girls 1 Cup and 4 Girls Fingerpaint, easily the two most famous scat clips in history. They also gave us Human Snot Tissue, generally considered by the planet Earth's 7 snot fetishists to be the ultimate experience in snot porn. In recent times, they've also become the only country to combine bestiality with scat. Just to unnecessarily spell that out for you, that means hot nubile babes chowing down on animal excrement for your erotic viewing pleasure. Ain't the human race grand??


Jose Mojica Marins, hard at work.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Inventing New Words

 
Ever heard of a British dude named William Shakespeare? He's perhaps best known for providing the original story that Lloyd Kaufman's Tromeo and Juliet was based on. 

Yep, Shakespeare totally wrote that shit.

But what many people don't know is that Shakespeare also invented a fucking fuckton of words for the English language. Words like 'besmirch', 'obsequiously' and 'honorificabilitudinitatibus'. Where would we be without the word 'honorificabilitudinitatibus'? Somewhere fucked, that's where.

An example of what somewhere fucked looks like.

So, much like Shakespeare, I've decided to invent a few words which you'll soon wonder how you ever lived without. Here goes -


Snedge, verb
1. To stimulate the perineum of another with the tip of one's nose.
Example: "Consuela lightly perfumed her anus before her date, just in case Horatio was in the mood to snedge her after dinner."


Encunten,  verb
1. To make an orifice more vaginal in appearance and structure, usually for the purpose of penetration.
Example: "Bjorn used a power drill to encunten Svetlana's corpse's ear canal, then immediately commenced fuckenisation of her brain matter."



Dude getting his cranium encuntenned. Courtesy of Lucio Fulci.



See, it's easy! Another fun way to create new words is simply to mash together two previously existing words. Popular examples of this include 'fucktard' and 'twatmuffin'. Here's a couple more -

Glump, noun
1. Great or larger than average sized lumps.
Example: "After rewatching Mysterious Skin, Abraham spent the next hour cleaning glumps of jism from his walls and ceiling."

Misogerrific, adjective
1. Displaying hatred of women in a fun or enjoyable manner.
Example: "Everyone present at Cannes agreed that David Hess's performance as Krug was misogerrific."


The physical embodiment of misogerrificness.

It's also fun to apply new meanings to pre-existing words. Like the following -


Polarise, verb
1. To cause or undergo the production of two contrary tendencies, qualities, etc.
Example: "Ebola Syndrome polarised audiences into two camps - those who didn't consider it one of the greatest movies ever made, and those who have common sense and opinions that don't suck."

2. To swiftly hurl a rabid baby polar bear directly into someone's face.
Example: "Wolfgang Jungerfelt III became depressed after being savagely polarised, but soon discovered that his mutilated nose gave him a unique talent for giving snedgejobs."


The soul-crushing deathstare of a beast that can't wait to be a tool of polarisation.

The moral of this post? Don't just lie back and accept the words you've been given. We have 26 letters to use and an infinite number of possibilities for how to use them. The sky's the limit. Be like Shakespeare and make the English language your bitch. Maybe, just maybe, you'll create a word that your great-great-grandchildren will be using on a daily basis.



Shakespeare in an honorificabilitudinitatibus pose.


Monday, January 16, 2012

Shivers (1975)

Sex is such an intrinsic part in the existence of all multi-cellular biological organisms that any artist attempting to even remotely tackle the broad topic of the human condition, in any worthwhile way, inevitably has to focus on the topic of sex at some point. You may disagree, but fact is if it weren't for your dad splooging baby juice up your mom's love chasm, then you wouldn't have the benefit of existence which is the most basic requirement for disagreement. Denying the importance of sex is to deny your own existence. That's just stupid. So, every great director needs to have a sex movie. It doesn't necessarily have to be a good movie, but it's too important a subject for any great artist to ignore. That's not my opinion, that's a simple fact. Romero has Martin. Henenlotter has Bad Biology. Hitchcock has Marnie. Craven has Last House. John Woo has that one where dudes gaze longingly into each others eyes during a gunfight. Spielberg has Hook. Kubrick has Full Metal Jacket. The Japanese guy who directed Gusomilk has Gusomilk. All great directors; all movies that ask the viewer to mentally purchase a one-way train ticket from Boner Central to Ejaculationville.

Cronenberg stands alone in the above company, because he automatically realises the importance of sex and instills it into almost all of his movies. He's the only director brave enough to faithfully film Crash, the most subversive pornographic novel of the 20th century. He managed to remake a fairly staid Vincent Price classic whilst still including a scene where Jeff Goldblum uses his newly-discovered insectile stamina to provide waves of pleasure to Geena Davis's coochie. Even with A History of Violence, based on a wholly non-sexual graphic novel, the Cronester managed to insert 2 sex scenes which tell us more about the characters than every other scene combined. So while Shivers is not Cronie's definitive sex movie, it still holds the distinction of being his first sex movie.

Shivers begins in a luxurious apartment complex with some elderly doctor dude murderlyzing the shit out of an androgynous looking young woman. I honestly thought she was a boy until the movie kindly shows us her pert bewbs. We learn the doc had created a bunch of squiggly phallic dick creatures that greatly enhance sexual urges in the human brain, and this teen girl (the movie assures us she's 19, but I still felt a little guilty jerking off to her) was the test subject for implanting these sexual parasites. Turns out these creatures are a little too effective and turn their hosts into rape-crazy sex zombies. Adding to the urgency of the horror is the fact that this chick is... well, let's just say that in a game of D&D, she'd be a Level 69 Temptress with a +4 Snatch of Priapism Envelopment. Yeah, she's a total slut who's been boning a number of guys in the bulding.

It's here where Cronenberg wisely leaves the method of parasite transmission to our imagination. Naturally, the immediate image brought to mind is of a horny whore who resembles a 14 year old boy vigorously tonsil-massaging a succession of old guys wizened boners, frantically urethra-tongueing baby worms down their dickholes while she delicately caresses their hanging, wrinkled ballsacks; the parasite's boring into these middle-aged testicles and forming a nest, just as those same testicles' soon-to-be ejected contents will be hungrily gobbled down to rest in her stomach and be consumed by digestive juices. I'm sure you all thought the same. Then again, I tend to think about that sort of thing regardless of what movie I'm watching, so maybe I'm being a little presumptuous.

Later in the film, when it turns out the parasites can be transmitted in the mouth-to-mouth fashion, we're once again asked to conjure up images of the unseen act. A mental cavalcade of buff muscular straight guys finding their inner gay and lovingly fellating these phallic organisms from both sides like a double-ended dildo, occasionally daring to touch lips in the centre during their sensual suck-of-war; lesbians overcoming their fear of the phallus to perform the same; taboo-shattering incestuous couplings where family members lock mouths while a disembodied cock creature travels from one throat to the next. Thoroughly vivid imagery for viewers with pornographically inclined imaginations. Even the way the creatures manifest in the body is somewhat sexual - a presence in the abdomen that bulges up under the stomach muscles. An all too familiar sight for anyone who's seen any extreme fisting porn.

Cronenberg has since admitted that he sides with the parasites and it shows in the movie. Consider that the "hero" single-handedly kills more people than all the infected folk combined do. Alls the sex zombies want to do is bang anything with a pulse, while the guy we're supposed to be cheering for puts bullets into whomever he considers a threat. Here's a very simple life lesson: Sex is awesome. Murder is most definitely not awesome, and is in fact the single shittiest thing that one human being can do to another. So it's entirely fitting that the traditional hero's journey in this movie ends with his death, or rather 'turning', in a swimming pool full of hot horny naked chicks. And this scene plays out not as any kind of tragedy, but more like a baptism ceremony. Ask yourself, is there a single other filmmaker on the planet more uniquely and subversively pro-sex than Cronenberg?

The finale culminates in all the poontastic sex zombies driving out to spread their wonderful infection to the rest of the world. The parasites go global. Every country on the planet becomes infested with sex-mad psychotics shagging every uninfected being, whether they like it or not. Sex in the streets. Sex in your home. Sex in your workplace. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex... Eventually, we all become hosts. The entire globe unites in a singular moment where 6 billion people all simultaneously orgasm. The worldwide epidemic of jizz-soaked shuddering ecstasy knocks Earth out of orbit with the sun. Our world spins off aimlessly into space. Gravity dissipates and we all float away into oblivion, post-coital cigarettes still clutched between our lips. I can't think of a better way for the human race to become extinct.

Once again, the movie leaves the ending to our imagination, and this is just my personal thoughts.

Anyway, to summarise, if you like sex, then you'll like Shivers. If you don't like sex then... you probably haven't read this far and are currently making yourself a hot cup of Darjeeling before settling in for a satisfying night of finishing your latest cross-stitch. Good for you. I'm off to go jerk it to midget porn now. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Nekro (1998)

Aaah, corpse fucking. Cadaver boning. Postmortem poon pounding. Givin’ stiff to the stiff. Whatever you want to call it, fact is that a bit of good old necrophilia onscreen tends to be a divider among audiences. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone say “Y’know dude, regarding the subject of necrophilia in cinema, I have no strong feelings one way or the other”. Not one single person has ever said that sentence to me. No joke. 

I’m a big fan of dead body banging myself. Nothing says taboo quite like seeing some perve gettin jiggy with the dearly departed. But it’s definitely a love it or hate it kinda thing. So really, all I need to say about Nekro is that about a third of its 15 minute running time is devoted to showing a deceased broad have rather untender love made to her, and you’ll already know if you want to watch it or not. A review would be fairly redundant. But I’m gonna give you one anyway. Aren’t I nice?!

So Nekro starts off with some dude, our ‘hero’, bringing home a date in his van. Not bringing her home in an asking her in for coffee kind of way, but more in a carrying her unconscious body through the front door sense. He slowly drags her up some stairs, before the screen cuts to black and we get a short philosophical speech about how lust leads to anger and other such uncontrollable urges. A short note about the sound effects at this point: There’s a constant roar of demonic howls and laughter, presumably meant to illustrate the internal soundtrack to this psycho’s mind, that continues for almost the entire duration of the film. And it’s pretty damn effective. It sounds a little like the Deadites in the first Evil Dead only more cacophonous and chilling.

Anyway, the young lady wakes up in a dark room and has a little panic attack, before our Lancelot comes in and stabs her an unnerving number of times. It’s a brutal little sequence, with geysers of blood spewing everywhere, drenching both of them from head to toe. The FX are damn good, especially for such an obviously low-budget production. Now’s when things start to get icky. Really icky. You may want to consider not reading any further....



Still here? Ha, you sicko! So anyway, our young hero’s first port of call is to get this nubile young lady lubed up. Let’s face it, when your foreplay technique involves kidnapping a woman and mercilessly stabbing her in the chest, then vaginal fluid flowage is going to be minimal to say the least. So, he follows the time-honoured tradition of hocking a couple of loogys into his hand and smearing them on in there. I was pleased to see this classy move finally get a bit of mainstream recognition in the Oscar-nominated Brokeback Mountain. In fact, I’d say Ang Lee was heavily influenced by this film. Yeah.

Next, our libertine stoops down to give a little oral pleasure. Why does he do this? Maybe he feels a tinge of remorse for murdering this innocent and wants to make it up to her in some small way, like when douchebags hit their girlfriends and then give a teary-eyed speech about how they’re just so in love that they can’t control their emotions. Or maybe he’s just a revolting pervert. I’m going with the latter. She’s somewhat unresponsive throughout this, not even giving the obligatory “Mmm, yeah baby, that’s nice!”, so he has to imagine her squeals of delighted glee. Even when he’s finished, he’s forced to do all the work himself in getting his soldier to stand to attention. Dead chicks ‘ey? So goddamn selfish.

We finally get to the coitus itself, and it’s lengthy, ugly and a little sickening. If your neighbour happens to peer through your living room window while this is onscreen, you’ll have a very difficult time convincing that you’re mentally sound. In fact, they’ll probably move house just to get away from you. It’s very grim indeed. There’s a final twist, which I won’t spoil, but it doesn’t make much sense anyway. Despite its silliness, it does make for an extremely intense finale.

So that’s Nekro. It’s twisted, sick and actually pretty damn good. The duo who made it, Vince Roth and Mick Nards, certainly have a great deal of talent and sadly haven’t produced anything since. Overall, if you found Aftermath to be too beautiful to be disturbing, then give this one a try.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Mama's Boy

Walter had always loved to dote on his mother, ever since he was a boy. Fatherless from an early age, he took it upon himself to be the man of the house - her provider and protector. When she’d fallen ill, he dropped out of medical school immediately, less than a month until completion, to care for her. Her illness brought with it not just a sense of immeasurable sadness, but also inadequacy – an inability for Walter to fully perform what he felt was his most important duty in life. Despite his efforts, he was unable to ease either her physical pain or her emotional anguish. When she had strength to talk, her words came out in a raspy whisper, each word dripping with a morbid finality that only the terminally ill can truly affect. Walter couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving him, yet couldn’t bear to see her live in such a way.
Ironic then, that his mother’s death solved both problems.

*   *   *   *   *

“Breakfast, Mother.”
Walter was sprightly as he opened the curtains. She had taken a physical downturn after passing on – a bluish tinge to her skin, slight flesh atrophy here and there; simple bedsores had grown to some nasty lesions and of course a touch of stiffness in the joints. But her awareness and vitality had in part returned, and although still bed-ridden she was remarkably animated for a corpse. When she barked “MEAT! MEAT!” at him, sure it sounded like she was hocking up phlegm, but there was an energy there that was totally at odds with the life-less shell she’d been before she was actually lifeless.
And when she ate! Ravenously wrenching chunks of steak or pork chop from his hands with the strength of a pit-bull! Of course he’d tried introducing vegetables into her diet, but these inevitably wound up on the floor or on him. Walter didn’t mind. He was just glad she was here with him. Exclusively carnivorous and undead she may have been, but those early weeks after her death were among the happiest of Walter’s life. Feeding her Mongolian lamb, wiping hoi-sin sauce and garlic off her chin, having one-sided conversations where he reminisced about his childhood while she drooled and grunted. Although gaining strength daily, she was still entirely bedridden which suited Walter fine. Even at medical school - learning to analyse, operate, heal, cure, save lives – he’d never had such purpose to his life.
Of course, the good times had to end. Walter's life had again and again proved to him that his happiness would only ever be temporary so he was only mildly surprised when one day, in a particularly ravenous moment of frenzied hunger, his mother chomped her teeth down so suddenly on her chicken Maryland that she took the tip of his right middle finger with it. As  he clutched the bleeding digit, his mother looked greedily at him as she licked blood off her lips and growled primally.

*   *   *   *   *
“Lunch, mother.”
It hadn’t been a difficult decision really. Mother was hungry and she now rejected all the meat he prepared for her, snapping her teeth wildly at any part of him that came close to her. For Walter, this constituted a basic equation, with only one solution.
For the first time in his life, his obesity would be a positive. His weight had been the object of ridicule all of his school life, and had denied him any female attention later. But now it meant that his mother’s new preferred diet could be provided in abundance.
He still had plenty of his mother’s medication for her illness, painkillers without equal. Knocking back two pills with a glass of milk, he’d gotten straight to work. Though he had only light, sparse hair on his belly, he’d shaved it anyway. It wouldn’t have been right to ask his mother to eat a meal dotted with charred stubble.
 It was slow work getting a decent sized steak from his left side. Although the knife was sharp, he’d had to go inch by inch over a period of two hours to give himself plenty of time to stem blood flow between slices. There was too much responsibility resting on his shoulders to risk weakness from excessive blood-loss. He’d come to the conclusion halfway through the impromptu surgical procedure that body-parts that could be tourniqueted would probably make the process much easier. He kept at it anyway. This was, after all, a learning experience.
At the end off this long and arduous ordeal, he had finally prepared a nice-sized slab of medium-rare Walter sirloin, lightly seasoned with sea salt and rosemary, with a crispy and aromatic layer of skin on top.
Clutching his left side, Walter entered his mother’s room to find her eagerly awaiting him, her longing gaze focussed intently on the plate he carried. The enthusiasm she exhibited devouring the meal brought a tear to Walter’s eye.

*   *   *   *   *   
“Dinnertime, Mother.”
The words were muttered weakly as Walter stumbled toward his mother’s bed on his makeshift crutch. His chemical-addled brain dealt with a swarm of mixed emotions. This was, after all, the final meal he would serve.
The timing couldn’t have been better. Mother’s health had finally reached a level where she could fend for herself, just as the last of the painkillers had been used. Walter had tried to keep himself well nourished to provide for his mothers needs, but the level of damage he had inflicted on himself was such that he could continue no longer.
His left leg was gone from mid-thigh down, the femur jutting out from below the tattered flesh. It had served well for several days of meals. Both his buttocks provided a number of tasty rumps, which his mother had especially enjoyed. Several fingers had been the victims of bolt-cutters – deep-fried and served in chilli sauce as a midafternoon snack. Plus an assortment of cutlets here and there had also been required for her recovery. It had been worth it though. Looking at the healthy state his mother now enjoyed, Walter smiled broadly. Rather, he smiled on the inside. Smiles were no longer possible, as his lips, cheeks and the rest of the flesh from his lower face had been painstakingly removed with a scalpel and lightly sautéed with some ginger, soy and lime juice. His joy now manifested itself as a gory, leering rictus.
Propping his back against the headboard, Walter sat down in bed next to his mother. She looked at him tenderly and spoke to him, her first real words he’d heard since she had died and the last words he’d hear before he died: “You’ve taken good care of me Walter. Thank you. Now it’s my turn to take care of you.”
Walter had thought his body would be too weak to produce an erection, but as she unzipped his pants, he hardened instantly. As she took him into her mouth, a feeling of absolute relaxation swept over him. He knew that this was her way of thanking him, by giving him this moment of intimacy that he had never shared with another. As she worked him expertly, tears sprung to his eyes to run down the exposed muscle of his face and drip into her hair, his remaining fingers clutched at the bedsheets frantically as his climax approached and pleasure surged through him. When the moment of orgasm arrived, and he exploded into his mother’s mouth, pure ecstasy engulfed his being, and he knew there could be no greater way to spend his final moments. His soul was full to the brim with unconditional love. No pain, no fear and no regrets.
So great was his pleasure, that he barely felt a thing as the teeth closed together on the base of him, his blood mingling with his semen in the mouth of his life-giver. His penis had served its purpose, so it only seemed natural that his mother, its sole beneficiary, should keep it inside her. As she swallowed and gazed up at him, Walter just continued smiling.
He smiled as fingernails sunk into his throat and tore outwards, warm wetness splashing onto his chest.
He smiled as teeth tore into the flesh of his belly, tongue probing his intestines.
He smiled as dizziness surged over him and his vision grew hazy.
He smiled as he looked down at his mother, seeing pieces of himself torn away to slide down her throat.
He smiled. Happy that he could die as he’d lived, providing for his mother, and being what he’d always desired to be. A good son.

Press Release for the revolutionary new Alhazred Dark-bulbsTM


The ability to create light amidst the darkness was among mankind's first scientific discoveries. Right from the first Neanderthal who created a spark, our fascination with illumination has been a defining characteristic of humanity. But now, thanks to Alhazred Laboratories, an invention has finally arrived to null our primitive desire for light - the Dark-bulb! Welcome to the 21st century!

Our company gathered together the world's finest physicists along with the world's most reviled practioners of magick and the black arts with one sole purpose - to take an enormous, steaming dump on the legacy of Thomas Edison. Working from the principle that light is a form of heat-emitted radiation caused by the excitement of molecular particles, our experts combined their knowledge to create the opposite effect. Our physicists used the principles of black holes to nullify both the wave-like and particle-like properties of light, giving the molecules an existence close to nothingness, while our crack team of Satanists depressed the resultant energy with a combination of chanting and human sacrifice. 
The result of over a decade's hard work was the anti-matter filament at the core of the bulb, which draws light into itself creating an aura of pure blackness. After months of exploitative slave labour in Vietnamese sweat shops, which resulted in tens of thousands of deaths from pure exhaustion (plus a few hundred more that we just killed for fun), the fruits of our toils are now finally available to you, the public!!!

The uses for this invention are endless:
You can put a dark-bulb in your bedside lamp, perfect for afternoon naps or that final satisfying 10 minute snooze before you have to get up for work.
A nightclub party doesn't have to end at sunrise anymore. You can party forever with a few Alhazred dark-bulbs!
Need to obscure your facial features for that all-important bank robbery, blackmail or rape? Just throw a dark-bulb on a miners helmet and the police will never catch you!
Say you've got some tasty, chubby little captive in a pit in your basement, and you need to explain that unless it puts the lotion on its skin, it'll get the hose again. Chances are it'll see your face, which puts you at risk if it escapes. Alhazred dark-bulbs to the rescue once again!

Here's some comments from a few satisfied customers:

"Yeah, I have to sleep during the day and my curtains suck. Thanks to the dark-bulb I sleep much better,so I'm more productive at work and I'm less likely kick the shit of anyone that pisses me off!" - Dave Finch, night-shift worker.

"I use them all the time. Darkness is soooo beautiful. It's like a reflection of my soul." - Lucretia, goth chick.

"This invention is like capturing the souls of God, Satan, Buddha and Jimi Hendrix in a capsule, ya dig what I'm sayin man?" - Charles Manson, celebrity.

"Back when I used to lure men into my house for my darling Frank to drain, I had to pull the curtains shut so they wouldn't see his skinless body lurking in the corner. I wish I'd had some dark-bulbs 24 years ago!" - Julia, psychotic British bitch.

"I hate the light, I just hate it... I feel it on my skin, and no matter how much I scratch at it, it's still there... I just keep clawing and clawing at it but it won't go away... Thank you so much Alhazred for getting rid of all the GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING LIGHT!" - Abernathy Flungeworth, weirdo.

But don't take their word for it. Take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer and you could get not one, not two, not four, but THREE patented Alhazred dark-bulbs for the low, low price of $27.95 minus postage and handling. Step into the future people! Let darkness reign supreme!

Note: Alhazred dark-bulbs will cause an immediate temperature drop of between 5 and 17 degrees Celsius. Other side effects include nausea, rickets, athletes foot, small-pox, violent diarrhoea, headaches, depression, cancer, excessive but amusing flatulence, appendicitis, tuberculosis, rapid lowering of blood pressure, mild sociopathy, dry scalp and almost certain death. Use at your own risk.