Friday, March 16, 2012

Inventing New Words

Ever heard of a British dude named William Shakespeare? He's perhaps best known for providing the original story that Lloyd Kaufman's Tromeo and Juliet was based on. 

Yep, Shakespeare totally wrote that shit.

But what many people don't know is that Shakespeare also invented a fucking fuckton of words for the English language. Words like 'besmirch', 'obsequiously' and 'honorificabilitudinitatibus'. Where would we be without the word 'honorificabilitudinitatibus'? Somewhere fucked, that's where.

An example of what somewhere fucked looks like.

So, much like Shakespeare, I've decided to invent a few words which you'll soon wonder how you ever lived without. Here goes -

Snedge, verb
1. To stimulate the perineum of another with the tip of one's nose.
Example: "Consuela lightly perfumed her anus before her date, just in case Horatio was in the mood to snedge her after dinner."

Encunten,  verb
1. To make an orifice more vaginal in appearance and structure, usually for the purpose of penetration.
Example: "Bjorn used a power drill to encunten Svetlana's corpse's ear canal, then immediately commenced fuckenisation of her brain matter."

Dude getting his cranium encuntenned. Courtesy of Lucio Fulci.

See, it's easy! Another fun way to create new words is simply to mash together two previously existing words. Popular examples of this include 'fucktard' and 'twatmuffin'. Here's a couple more -

Glump, noun
1. Great or larger than average sized lumps.
Example: "After rewatching Mysterious Skin, Abraham spent the next hour cleaning glumps of jism from his walls and ceiling."

Misogerrific, adjective
1. Displaying hatred of women in a fun or enjoyable manner.
Example: "Everyone present at Cannes agreed that David Hess's performance as Krug was misogerrific."

The physical embodiment of misogerrificness.

It's also fun to apply new meanings to pre-existing words. Like the following -

Polarise, verb
1. To cause or undergo the production of two contrary tendencies, qualities, etc.
Example: "Ebola Syndrome polarised audiences into two camps - those who didn't consider it one of the greatest movies ever made, and those who have common sense and opinions that don't suck."

2. To swiftly hurl a rabid baby polar bear directly into someone's face.
Example: "Wolfgang Jungerfelt III became depressed after being savagely polarised, but soon discovered that his mutilated nose gave him a unique talent for giving snedgejobs."

The soul-crushing deathstare of a beast that can't wait to be a tool of polarisation.

The moral of this post? Don't just lie back and accept the words you've been given. We have 26 letters to use and an infinite number of possibilities for how to use them. The sky's the limit. Be like Shakespeare and make the English language your bitch. Maybe, just maybe, you'll create a word that your great-great-grandchildren will be using on a daily basis.

Shakespeare in an honorificabilitudinitatibus pose.