Saturday, September 10, 2016
What is the most notorious film ever made? It's an interesting question and one where quite a few candidates leap instantly to mind. It would have to be a film jam-packed full of the most debauched obscenities imaginable, yet well-known enough that your average Joe or Jane on the street had heard of it and knew the specifics of its content. That cuts out the more obscure sickfests like the August Underground series or the Vomit Gore trilogy. You can't achieve notoriety if no one's aware of your existence. Pink Flamingos is a possibility. A midnight-movie classic, with the Roger Ebert 0-star seal of disapproval ensuring that even casual movie-goers know about the fatass trannie who chows down on real dogshit. Or there's Cannibal Holocaust. Not many movies out there where the director was thrown in jail for making it. Then you've got your Human Centipedes and A Serbian Film, which have caused hordes of outraged do-gooders worldwide to vent their spleens in indignant fury over works of fiction they haven't even seen.
But what if there was a movie where the trailer alone was so vile that it caused en masse vomiting and mental scarring among those who watched it? So sick that it swept the world by storm and became a dare to actually watch it? So inhumanly repugnant that thousands upon thousands of people would film their disgust while watching it and post their reaction on the net for all to see? If a film could achieve that, purely from its fucking trailer, wouldn't that make it the most notorious film ever made??? Fortunately, that film has been made, by a Brazilian visionary named Marco Fiorito. It's called Hungry Bitches and its trailer is more commonly known as 2 Girls 1 Cup.
Most people's response to 2 Girls 1 Cup was instant aversion - a watch-once-then-try-to-forget-about-it reaction. I prefer to keep my mind wide open. I'm a masochistic sadist, a misogynistic feminist, a philosophical sophist and a cynical sentimentalist. I love people almost as much as I love misanthropy. My brain needs gutter insight like a fat guy needs a Big Mac. While others draw kneejerk conclusions that broads vomiting shit on each other is reprehensible filth, I seek further information. I ask questions. Questions like: Who are these bitches and why are they hungry? Why are they hungry for shit specifically? Couldn't they have just ordered pizza? If they're so hungry, then why do they puke the shit out? Isn't that counterproductive to defeating hunger? And why the fucking fuck are they shitting into a fucking cup? Do they not have plates in Brazil???
So, let's all find out some answers. Major spoilers ahead, but that's kind of the point. I watch revolting porn so you don't have to. If Jesus was alive today, you can bet your ass that he'd be carrying this heavy cross that I bear, reviewing shit porn on the internet for all you sinners. But that beardy cunt's dead and he's staying dead, so you'll have to make do with lil ol' me...
Okay, we start out with a CGI credit sequence of really rubbish-looking soaring shots of CG houses and fields and birds. I have no idea what any of it has to do with 2 girls munching on each others ass-candy, but then I don't have a shit fetish. Maybe crappy CGI is like foreplay to these people. Who knows? Confusion aside, I found it rather interesting that even 3rd world shitporn looks more professional than Birdemic.
The titular 2 girls, a blonde and a brunette, say some stuff to each other and start making out. I don't speak Spanish, but it was probably like "Oh mammasita! Me wanta your kaka!" [/racism] At this point, it's basically like normal lesbo porn. If myself and indeed the entire internet-going world hadn't already seen the taking-a-squirty-dump-into-a-cup spoiler, then it would probably have come as quite a surprise. Not to mention a disappointment. Good thing the trailer has already assured us that there's funtimes ahead... Like... The cup crap... It happens. You don't need me to describe that coz you've all already seen it. The glorious vision of gushing brown matter is no doubt emblazoned upon your psyche, always ready to appear in your mind's eye during the most frantic, furious and sweetly shameful moments of masturbatory mayhem; the kind of epic self-pleasure session that leaves you with aching bicep and weeping skinless genitalia almost as damaged as your self-esteem. We've all been there.
Our ladies appraise the cup fulla shit. Sniff it for a while. One of them pisses on it for extra flavour. They take appetisers and smoosh it around in their mouths, squeezing it out between their teeth. All fairly typical scat porn behaviour, no different to what you've already seen in ye olde classics like Gusomilk and Squirmfest and Walking Toilet Bowl and The Brown Bomber and MASD-004: Scat Compulsion. The 2 girls vomit all over the shit cup and indeed over each other, spitting and dribbling shitty mucus everywhere, for a considerable period of time. I can't help but feel that the movie's title is false advertising. These bitches aren't hungry, they're practically fuckin' bulimic! Don't get me wrong, it's still all highly enticing and romantic - a bit like Blue is the Warmest Color, only with a lot more shitpuke - but if I'd actually paid to see this, I'd question the level of hunger that these bitches are feeling...
So then, the blonde shits into a bowl. We've moved past the trailer now into exciting new territory. Oh yeah. Deliverin' some fresh kitchen-based vessels to pour bowelfuls of butt chocolate into. The glory of cinematic invention in full-force, folks. I'm so glad this was left out of the trailer, because 2 Girls 2 Receptacles just doesn't quite have the same ring to it. And as if the Godardesque ingenuity couldn't go any further, one of the girls then gargles puke. I ain't never seen that before and I've seen a lot. I almost wish I'd popped a boner at that, just to say I had. But sadly twas not to be. My dick only got hard in the moments where the girls took breaks from the scatfest to passionately kiss each other, futilely attempting to give the impression that they're relatively normal women, rather than revolting shitwhores.
I'd hoped it was building to a grand finale. Some kind of new container to munch a dump out of, like a ladle or a picnic hamper or a funeral urn or a baby bottle. Instead, cup and bowl are pushed aside and they eat from each others buttholes, right from the source. Which is not all that special really. I mean, that's kind of the "normal" way of eating shit. The cup and bowl were the novelty element that kept this thing alive. But wait, there's more! They combine the contents of bowl and cup, scoop up some vomit and piss from the floor and throw that into the mix, stir it up real nice and scarf it down! That's our money shot. BOOM, a fat load of wrongness blasted over every viewer's face. Lap it up like the slut you are. You know you wanted this.
Okay, I should wrap this up now. Got a bit carried away. I'll finish with somethin' a little educational, just so you didn't entirely waste your time reading all this nonsense...
Whilst the notoriety of 2 Girls 1 Cup, and by extension Hungry Bitches, once seemed like a fresh phenomenon, the movie is really just continuing a grand tradition of filth. 1985 was perhaps the watershed year for extreme Brazilian porn; a glorious time and place of beautiful disgrace from which so much cinematic sin and vice would later fountain like a Peter North cumshot. There were perhaps 2 seminal films in that year that exemplify the subsubgenre. Firstly, you have Jose Mojica Marins' 24 Hours of Explicit Sex, responsible for Brazil's first ever bestiality porno scene. Quality filth indeed, but the movie itself is a comedy and even the dog-on-woman action is laugh-out-loud funny. Well, I laughed anyway... At the other end of the spectrum, you've got In The Heat Of The Holes; a virulent slab of genuine psychopathy made by a smut merchant, sick fuck and possible actual murderer who went by the nom-de-plume of Sady Baby. Sady didn't so much smash taboos as rape them into oblivion, casting real-life junkies, street whores and homeless bums, infusing his flicks with a palpable misanthropy that's rarely been seen in film since, porno or otherwise.
Hungry Bitches certainly has a touch of Sady's legitimate will to offend, but ultimately it falls under the former, more cheerful school of obscenity. Obviously, if the 60 second trailer made you lose your lunch, then it's not recommended. But for the brave few, this is a jam-packed anusload of fake fecal funtimes. Watch it with someone you love... or at least someone you wanna poop on.