Sunday, March 10, 2013

Oriental Techniques in Pain and Pleasure (1983)

Phil Prince is one seriously classy guy. I'm sure you know that already, coz you've all seen the delightful moment in The Taming of Rebecca where a dude beats his meat while his hot daughter pees on his balls. Nothing says pure class quite like a bit of incestuous watersports. Oriental Techniques in Pain and Pleasure, a later effort from the Princester, may not be his best, but by golly it's among his classiest.

Just to illustrate how classy this movie is, I'll be interspersing pics from the film with official photos of the 2011 Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The resemblance is so uncanny that I guarantee you won't be able to tell the difference.

The royal couple

Annie Sprinkle and George Payne

The "plot" revolves around an ancient Chinese manuscript that's somehow important. We're not told why it's important, but some dudes want it for some reason so it must be real important. These guys can't even read Chinese, yet they still want the manuscript. That's how important it is. It's so important that it gets casually mentioned 3, maybe even 4 times throughout the movie.

So, Annie Sprinkle somehow gets a hold of this manuscript and obviously gets raped as a result. What a classy way to open a movie. Annie's a classy lady in general. She was one of Zebedy Colt's faves and that guy has high standards for class. Adding to the classiness is the fact that the lead rapist is George Payne, the classiest guy in history. Payne here plays against type as a deranged misogynistic pervert - quite a stretch for his thespian skills. He even goes down on her during the rape. If only all rapists were that classy. This classy cunnilingus scene also shows us Annie's clit piercing, which she received onscreen during Phil Prince's previous masterclass in class, Kneel Before Me.

The blushing bride, accompanied by a pair of gentlemanly servants

Some porno slut and a couple of rapists

Sadly, the rape doesn't get Annie to reveal anything about the important manuscript that neither she, the rapists nor the viewer know anything about. In such a situation, the rules of etiquette dictate that she be forced to fist her brother, which she does with gusto and class. She even classilly licks his balls during the fisting. That's a fine lesson in class for all viewers - if you ever find yourself elbow-deep in your bro's butthole, it's only polite to tongue the scrotum a little. Manners cost nothing.

The gorgeous one-of-a-kind ring

The gorgeous one-of-a-kind ring

 A 15-inch dildo, on the other hand, will set you back a few bucks, but a little financial outlay is inevitable when your own fist is not a classy enough tool for anal-stretching. I say splash out on the Lexington Steele model. It's worth it. You can't put a price on class, certainly not when it comes to sibling sodomy. Annie agrees with me, quite enthusiastically in fact.

After a little live cock-and-ball torture which has nothing whatsoever to do with anything else that's come beforehand, the movie reaches a satisfying conclusion. By which I mean, it abruptly ends without warning or explanation. That's cool though, because this film isn't about making sense, it's about being classy. Making sense is for philistines and degenerates. You won't find any of those here. Just a solid, if unspectacular, hit of classy perviness.

Random members of the wedding party

Some serious cock-and-ball torture