Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS (1975)

Be forewarned, this review is going to be overwhelmingly positive. Some may find this attitude a tad distasteful. I mean, wholehearted enjoyment of insensitive Nazisploitation? That's anti-Semitic! Well yeah, but you're no better. Ask yourself this simple question: When was the last time you had a conversation with a Jew and thought to yourself, "Golly, I wish there were 6 million more of these guys in the world!"? I'll answer for you: Never. Okay, maybe some of you have recently chatted with Larry David and thought that. But otherwise, you've never thought those words, not even once in your entire life. So shut your mouth, keep your judgements to yourself and just read the damn review, you Jew-hating prick.

We start with a short text disclaimer from the producer, informing us that the movie is "historically accurate" and based on "documented fact". Sweet! I love history lessons that you can masturbate to! It continues on to say that the movie was made in "the hope these heinous crimes will never occur again". You see, Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS is not just an exploitation film; it's a highly moral work of social responsibility ensuring that atrocities of the past will not be repeated... with lots and lots of tits.

Nowhere near as hot as Ilsa.

Cut to some bagel-munching schmuck getting his circumcised schvantz cowgirled to ecstasy by our big-boobed Nazi hostess, the titular (*snigger*) Ilsa. I already disagree with the disclaimer - I'd be happy for such a "heinous crime" to occur to me repeatedly. My tune changes quickly though, when he's lead away to have his dick chopped off. Oy vey! This is Ilsa's modus operandi when it comes to male prisoners - ride 'em hard, drain 'em dry, give 'em an extreme bris, then toss 'em away. It's a great intro to the character, establishing her as a sexed-up, dick-slicin', swastika-salutin' praying mantis-like figure. The kind of uber-hardass dominatrix bitch that'll have most male viewers thinking that the post-fuck castration would totally be worth it.

Moving on, a rollcall is held for a new group of prisoners, who all seem to be hot naked young ladies parading around with their full lustrous bushes on display. Again, I'm not seeing anything "heinous" here. The prisoners are informed that they'll be used to help the cause of medical research, before they're promptly directed to a room to have their pussies shaved. Vaginal grooming habits aren't what I'd personally consider to be an urgent medical matter, but I suppose the surgical procedure of thatchectomy had to be pioneered at some point. It's kinda weird that it eventually became known as the Brazilian. I guess most chicks nowadays aren't comfortable with the idea of having a Nazi German between their legs. Every trip to the downstairs beautician would be like a pubic hair Holocaust. Hot wax strips would be considered like Zyklon-B for pubes.

Still not as hot as Ilsa.

As Ilsa peruses the male wares, checkin' out which schlong she next wants to shag and sever, we're introduced to our hero, a blonde American dude. Seems odd having a blonde hero in a Nazisploitation flick, almost like it's somewhat siding with Nazi ideology, but I guess thematic consistency is not of prime importance here. Blondie aims to satisfy Ilsa so thoroughly that he'll get to keep his johnson. IMO he should orally pleasure her anus. That's certainly what I'd do if a hotass Nazi wanted to hack my cock and balls off. Even if he fails to avoid castration, he'd still be left with some sweet memories of tongueing out some Nazi goddess's shitcunt to carry him through life as a eunuch. It's a win-win situation. Sadly it turns out that our Yankee pal is a big-dicked, everhard, sexual dynamo, so there was no need for any ass-eating. That didn't prevent my mind from being flooded with analingus imagery for the duration of the film. Probably why I enjoyed it so much.

Almost as hot as Ilsa.

On the flipside of our heroic sex machine, we also get a female prisoner who's meshuggenah enough to plan an escape from the camp. While the men dig holes and poon Ilsa, the ladies have it considerably worse. They're beaten, tortured, experimented on and forced to pleasure the male soldiers. This serves to test Ilsa's personal hypothesis, which is as she states, "A carefully trained woman can withstand pain better than any man." Feminism at its finest right there. Unfortunately for our brazen little Jewish princess, her boldness and spunk make her the perfect test subject for Ilsa's experiments. She gets pushed to the limits of her pain threshold, via a series of tortures so vicious they'd have even the most highly submissive gay man screaming out the safe word.

There's a rather unsettling subtext to the 2 heroes journeys here. While the male hero succeeds in defeating Ilsa with the sheer power of his bitch-taming boner, the female heroine is utterly destroyed in the most cruel fashion, violated into helplessness for daring to show personal strength. Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS, and in fact Nazisploitation in general, could be perceived by some as being somewhat sexist and offensive. Just thought I'd point that out, just in case there are any absolute morons reading this.

Hitler would have definitely dumped this bitch for Ilsa.

All up, this is nowhere near as grimy as The Gestapo's Last Orgy, but it's immensely charming and oh-so-wrong fun, dishing up delightful displays of saucy sex, gory experiments, dildo torture and even a little bit of watersports. Good wholesome entertainment. The awesomeness levels are elevated considerably by a fearless and fiercely committed central performance from Dianne Thorne as Ilsa, her bitchin' cleavage and faux-German accent making her any masochist's wet dream. She rocks the Nazi uniform like she was born in one. Cult movie favourite George 'Buck' Flower has a small part as a Nazi scientist, although sadly he never says the line, "Crazy drunk concentration camp prisoners!" Nudity is in abundance, including an uncredited cameo from everyone's fave Meyer girl Uschi Digard, where she's required to show her enormous hooters and not say a word - pretty much the ideal role for her "acting" range.

So, I guess the big question surrounding Nazisploitation is this: What's the point? Actually, most people wouldn't even ask that question; they'd simply dismiss it all as pointless trash that exploits tragedy for base shock value. That's far too simplistic and reductive. Even if it were true, it doesn't answer anything, only creates more questions. The Holocaust may not be the worst tragedy of the 20th century, but it's the most well-publicised and talked-about, hence it holds the most weight. The burden of that weight fell primarily on the shoulders of the following generation/s, required to be intensely respectful of events that they have no memory of, and forced to carry the guilt of actions that they took no part in. 6 million corpses is far too much for any man to carry without some kind of release. Catharsis takes many forms and Nazisploitation is one of them.

In 1950s Israel, while the Holocaust victims were still nursing their psychological wounds, a form of pulp literature known as 'Stalags' became popular - erotic novels involving concentration camp prisoners being sexually brutalized by buxom female wardens, with titles like 'I Was Colonel Schultz's Private Bitch'. Holocaust pornography. Ilsa in word form, 20 years before the movie was released. The main audience for these stalags was the children of Holocaust survivors, rebelling against the guilt placed upon them by their parents, just as Catholic schoolgirls become blowjob queens to spite the nuns that chastise them for wearing short skirts. When Jewish porn star James Gurman (aka Jamie Gillis) banged a young German lady of Nazi descent, he spiced up their sex by asking her to hurl anti-Semitic abuse at him in German, which she did with ferocious enthusiasm. It's all catharsis; a release from carrying dead people's baggage.

Beneath the superficialities that divide us - different races, different skin colours, different opinions - there's still a force that can bind us all as one people. We're united by the fact that, deep down, whether we realise it or not, we're all just fucked-up, weird, disgusting perverts. Our blood is always red and our buttholes all basically taste the same after a good shower. So let's say nay to Nazis, but a big yay to Nazisploitation. Let the freak flag fly high and proud over all of us. It's the only symbol worth saluting.

Aah yeah, that's the stuff.