Sunday, August 7, 2011

Press Release for the revolutionary new Alhazred Dark-bulbsTM

The ability to create light amidst the darkness was among mankind's first scientific discoveries. Right from the first Neanderthal who created a spark, our fascination with illumination has been a defining characteristic of humanity. But now, thanks to Alhazred Laboratories, an invention has finally arrived to null our primitive desire for light - the Dark-bulb! Welcome to the 21st century!

Our company gathered together the world's finest physicists along with the world's most reviled practioners of magick and the black arts with one sole purpose - to take an enormous, steaming dump on the legacy of Thomas Edison. Working from the principle that light is a form of heat-emitted radiation caused by the excitement of molecular particles, our experts combined their knowledge to create the opposite effect. Our physicists used the principles of black holes to nullify both the wave-like and particle-like properties of light, giving the molecules an existence close to nothingness, while our crack team of Satanists depressed the resultant energy with a combination of chanting and human sacrifice. 
The result of over a decade's hard work was the anti-matter filament at the core of the bulb, which draws light into itself creating an aura of pure blackness. After months of exploitative slave labour in Vietnamese sweat shops, which resulted in tens of thousands of deaths from pure exhaustion (plus a few hundred more that we just killed for fun), the fruits of our toils are now finally available to you, the public!!!

The uses for this invention are endless:
You can put a dark-bulb in your bedside lamp, perfect for afternoon naps or that final satisfying 10 minute snooze before you have to get up for work.
A nightclub party doesn't have to end at sunrise anymore. You can party forever with a few Alhazred dark-bulbs!
Need to obscure your facial features for that all-important bank robbery, blackmail or rape? Just throw a dark-bulb on a miners helmet and the police will never catch you!
Say you've got some tasty, chubby little captive in a pit in your basement, and you need to explain that unless it puts the lotion on its skin, it'll get the hose again. Chances are it'll see your face, which puts you at risk if it escapes. Alhazred dark-bulbs to the rescue once again!

Here's some comments from a few satisfied customers:

"Yeah, I have to sleep during the day and my curtains suck. Thanks to the dark-bulb I sleep much better,so I'm more productive at work and I'm less likely kick the shit of anyone that pisses me off!" - Dave Finch, night-shift worker.

"I use them all the time. Darkness is soooo beautiful. It's like a reflection of my soul." - Lucretia, goth chick.

"This invention is like capturing the souls of God, Satan, Buddha and Jimi Hendrix in a capsule, ya dig what I'm sayin man?" - Charles Manson, celebrity.

"Back when I used to lure men into my house for my darling Frank to drain, I had to pull the curtains shut so they wouldn't see his skinless body lurking in the corner. I wish I'd had some dark-bulbs 24 years ago!" - Julia, psychotic British bitch.

"I hate the light, I just hate it... I feel it on my skin, and no matter how much I scratch at it, it's still there... I just keep clawing and clawing at it but it won't go away... Thank you so much Alhazred for getting rid of all the GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING LIGHT!" - Abernathy Flungeworth, weirdo.

But don't take their word for it. Take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer and you could get not one, not two, not four, but THREE patented Alhazred dark-bulbs for the low, low price of $27.95 minus postage and handling. Step into the future people! Let darkness reign supreme!

Note: Alhazred dark-bulbs will cause an immediate temperature drop of between 5 and 17 degrees Celsius. Other side effects include nausea, rickets, athletes foot, small-pox, violent diarrhoea, headaches, depression, cancer, excessive but amusing flatulence, appendicitis, tuberculosis, rapid lowering of blood pressure, mild sociopathy, dry scalp and almost certain death. Use at your own risk.

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